Your article by Ngân Nguyễn submitted for the competition Golden Pen 2020 has been edited by the editorial team for formatting.
At 3:00 AM, it was still sitting there, in the darkness, staring at the screen, despite trying countless ways, asking so many people, and even pleading with the admin, there was still no chance to save it. The account was really gone…
Its journey into online gaming was similar to many others: friends inviting, skipping classes, secretly taking money to recharge for games, getting caught by the teacher at the internet café… a myriad of unforgettable memories that probably no gamer has ever missed. However, the thing it remembers the most, perhaps for a lifetime, is the moment it lost its account.
In its second year of university, the first love it thought was as beautiful as a fairy tale suddenly fell apart. Just a few weeks after saying goodbye, she appeared in front of it, but on a motorcycle, hugging some strange guy. Its emotions were mixed; internally it felt like it was burning, but externally it remained silent.
Others might pour their sadness into alcohol or endless partying, but it was different; it lived internally, finding joy only in “solo” places.
A thought suddenly crossed its mind: what should it do to overcome… sorrow? It went to its familiar internet café, chose a corner far from the noise, ordered a bottle of Sting soda, and searched for something to fully immerse itself in, to forget.
Before long, it found itself in the role of a virtual character, donning virtual gear, making friends with countless “teammates” who were also virtual. It quickly got used to the “mandatory” online hours, skipping classes just to make it in time for boss hunts and territory battles. Sometimes, it thought to itself, perhaps this was enough; no matter how each day passed, it didn’t care…
Then one day, its guild welcomed a new member, a girl. Ironically, a guy who was heartbroken from being “dumped” started a guild filled with couples. They “flirted” with each other quite a bit, but showed little sympathy for the guild leader, which was it. Only once did they kindly introduce that girl to the guild, intentionally pairing the guild leader with the “newbie.”
At first, it remained indifferent, only focused on urging them to log in on time for boss hunts and share the loot. Gradually, that girl actively started conversations, pulling it out of the swamp of negativity with her ever-present energy. It got sick, went offline, and she took the initiative to call the guys to play, never forgetting to send a message asking about its health. That time, it felt unusually happy.
It still remembers the private conversations between the two of them. For the first time after such a long time, it opened up about its bitter love story. She patiently listened to it, waiting for it to rant about life, love, career, and things it should have cared about but now meant nothing.
She often shared stories, all the fun things she experienced daily, trying to help it escape the sadness surrounding it. Later, it realized that she never expressed any sorrow about any issue, perhaps because she didn’t want it to feel more depressed, only sharing happy stories. People like her are truly rare.
It also remembers her dream, her desire to move to Hanoi and work in some bank. After a long time, it no longer ignored the stories that those around it shared. This time, it truly wished for her dream to come true.
It was not hard to notice that in those conversations, it was still just a real “teenager,” while she thought about the future, the unfinished plans, and the real life outside this virtual world. She was much more mature than it was, making it try to act older, pretending to be an employee in a big company, creating a beautiful illusion to avoid feeling ashamed or awkward in front of her.
It was in that moment of feeling truly defeated, dwelling on a love that had lasted so many years, that a different thought emerged in its mind: it was time for a change.
It started studying again, making an effort to wake up early to get to class on time instead of logging into the game to complete quests, getting to know friends in real life, people it would truly cherish and who would love it back. It encountered countless real faces, had genuine conversations, and began to think about a future it had never cared about before. It turned out that outside the virtual world, there was another life waiting for it, and it was not the pathetic “loser” it had always thought it was.
However, maintaining both lives with two different faces was not easy; the closer it got to reality, the more it neglected what was virtual. It no longer logged into the game often, hurried to school while only managing to text her that it was busy with work that day. It had someone else play its account but strictly forbade him from chatting with her; that precious conversation was one that only it should enjoy.
Then, just as it began to see a glimmer of hope for its life, it received its first A in five years of university, and the first person it wanted to share that joy with was her. Right, perhaps it was time to be honest about itself, about the lies from before. It used to be a nobody, but thanks to her, it found the motivation to strive for a new beginning. It wanted to meet her, face to face, to talk once more, to laugh, to be carefree for just a fleeting moment. It thought so.
But life, when has it ever let people have their way? It lost its account. The disappointment at that moment was beyond comparison. It was angry, but not at anyone else but itself. If it had stayed online those past days, just chatting with her and not caring about the game, perhaps it would have had a chance to begin a serious relationship? Why, after all this time, was it still foolish enough not to ask for her phone number? It gave up. The game was the only thing that connected it and her, but now, that connection had also coldly vanished.
The assets it gained in the game were not small, but strangely, it no longer cared. Now, amidst the worries of life, it longed for the feeling of chatting with a kindred spirit like that again. Finding someone who truly understands you is very hard.
It was only later that it realized that the feelings it had for her were not love. It didn’t even know what she looked like, or if she was truly “her” at all. Yet, for a miserable guy like it, what it needed, what it wanted, was to have a close confidant like that. It regretted it, regretted that “virtual wife” more than any girlfriend it had ever broken up with.
Someone once asked it, if it could turn back time, what would it change the most? Its youthful recklessness, it didn’t care. If it could see that cherished username light up once more, it would immediately tell her what had been on its mind for so long: “Hey, thank you… so much”.
From the friend of that day
-PpiN-
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